Sunday, April 27, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Before she cheats

"Find some new buddies whose girlfriends don’t pounce on other men at parties"

Q I just moved into town and have been hanging out with a new friend/business contact and his girlfriend. Great people—and they seem like the perfect TV couple: good-looking, successful, happy. They treat me like they have known me for years. He has confided in me a couple of times about what’s going on at our job and also telling me his girlfriend is great but looks aren’t everything. I usually give him a “whatever” because I figure he is just feeling sorry for me, the single guy. So we are at party one night, and it gets interesting. She gets tipsy, puts her arms around my neck (plays with my hair) and says things are not what they seem with her boyfriend. She says something like, “Let me tell you what is really going on.” At that point, he walks up, she pulls away and then starts talking about the weather or something ridiculous. She glances at me out of the corner of her eye and smiles. He has no clue. So now what? Do I tell the guy? Something tells me this is not the first time she has done this, so I’m kind of tempted. Before you judge me, remember that I am a guy and she is like Angelina Jolie hot. I don’t want it to get weird but it seems like it’s heading that way. I haven’t even unpacked all of my boxes yet! —New Resident

A I’m sure there’s some ridiculously clever joke in here about moving out of certain boxes and into others, but, quite frankly, my brain is too fried today to coax it out. So given that mental meltdown, please allow me to break down your dilemma as simply as possible.

If you want your newly transplanted life to start off with a potent dose of drama, then keep hanging out with these “great people.” Your instincts sound dead-on about this woman, and if she’s coming on as strong as she is when her guy is in the same room, I’m sure she has plenty more tricks up her skirt, er, sleeve, for when he’s not around. If you want to keep him as a friend, then keep your personal lives out of it as much as possible—or at least until his horny other half develops a new crush. As far as tipping him off about her pass: Good for your conscious, maybe, but you also run the risk that he’ll accuse you of lying, she’ll downplay the incident as a drunken miscommunication or turn it around on you—and your life both in and out of the office will certainly be weirder than you ever imagined. Your safest bet? Stay on friendly terms with him at work, and find some new buddies whose girlfriends don’t pounce on other men at parties.

As for my judgment, I don’t think you’ve done anything—yet—that warrants it. Unless, that is, I wanted to read deeper into your reminder that you’re a guy and she’s Angelina Jolie hot. Which I could certainly do—both the reading into and the judging—but I won’t. Because my brain is fried, remember?

I always wondered about a woman’s take on the whole “once a cheater always a cheater” thing. Do you make the girl you have been with (who is cheating on her boyfriend) your girlfriend when they break up? It was a bad relationship, and she’s moving on. Do you trust her now that she says she wants you? They were together for five years. He’s a hot-shot lawyer who never made time for her but gave her all the material things. I’m just a poor working man that loves to be happy, have a good time and stay in the sack—a lot. She says everything she believed about life is different now. She wants love and happiness. Me. Does she really? How do I know she won’t do it again—to me this time? —Like her but Unsure

Again, given that the synapses aren’t firing properly, I’ll do my best by breaking this one down and specifically answering your questions. And far as a woman’s take on the “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing, I’ll let your cheating woman cover that for you.

1) I think I know what you’re getting at here, but the way you phrase it chafes me worse than sand in my butt crack. One makes a cake. Or a paper airplane. Or an A on a term paper. One does not “make” a woman his girlfriend or wife or lover, at least not in my book. The coming together of two people in a relationship requires the input of both, not a unilateral decision to instantaneously change another’s status with a verb that implies physical or mental exertion.

2) I wouldn’t—at least not yet. She may say she wants you, but I’d bet she’d tend to want anybody—physically or otherwise—who’s showing her more attention than she’s seen in half a decade.

3) Only time will tell on this one, buddy. But I’d go into it with eyes wide open, and at least at first, heart halfway so.

4) You don’t. But her track record doesn’t win her many points, either. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.