Sunday, June 15, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
In Search of the O
There’s a whole lot more going on here than your missing Os...
Q Here’s my problem: In all of my 40-plus years, I have yet to experience an orgasm. I’ve dated both men and women and in neither case has it happened. At present, I date women exclusively. Most recently, the woman I have been dating (and who I profoundly care for) brought this to my attention. She is sexually experienced and uninhibited—hence she’s not the problem. And whereas I know what to do to please her and bring her to sexual satisfaction, she, on the other hand, has become frustrated that I haven’t reciprocated in kind. There have been a few times when I’ve felt the “rising rush” and she has too. But for some reason, it stops and retreats and I can’t seem to completely reach that point of crescendo release.
In the past, I thought my inability to “let go” was because I really didn’t care too deeply for my partner(s) at the time—now I know that couldn’t have been the reason because, as I’ve said before, my present lover is special and dear to me. I very strongly would so love to “let go” each time with her. Is there any way you can help me with this situation? Or offer any therapist or program I can seek help through? I have never suffered any childhood traumas like rape or molestation. So I really don’t know if it’s just psychological, emotional or even physiological. Please, I need help (not just to keep my friend, but to also save my sanity too). —Where’s the Elusive “O”?
A Oh my. I’m afraid I’m going to have to tag-team on this one, since I’m no sexpert and I sure as hell don’t want to be dishing out bad advice when orgasms are concerned. So I consulted Dr. Gilda Carle, an internationally recognized, New York–based psychotherapist and relationship expert for her take.
Dr. Gilda (she’s famous enough to employ the first-name usage) says that your problem at its face value isn’t an uncommon one. However, in about 20 years of providing therapy, she’s never seen a letter with gender so well camouflaged. I told her that your name and e-mail address (which are ALWAYS kept anonymous, dear readers) didn’t provide any clues, either. So, reading between the lines (that’s why we’re paid the big bucks), we quickly agreed there’s a whole lot more going on here than your missing Os. “This person is having some questions about his or her sexual identity,” Dr. Gilda says. “And that’s perhaps one reason why the gender was not identified, and why the person has dated both men and women. If you don’t feel comfortable with who you are sexually, how will you have a sexual relationship that’s fulfilling?”
So what do you do? The first option for anyone having trouble climaxing is a trip to the doc—a gynecologist or urologist, whichever applies—to rule out any medical issues. Next, you should take matters into your own hands—literally. Masturbation is the way to discover what works for you, before you move onto a show ’n’ tell with your partner.
But Dr. Gilda and I—and, judging by what you wrote, you too—think you need more than that. Fortunately, by asking me specifically about therapy, you already seem prepared to take that route (another insider gem from Dr. Gilda: “The answers to the problems are almost always in the letters themselves, aren’t they?”). Yes, you clearly need some professional help figuring all this out. More importantly, you need a therapist with experience in bisexuality or sexual identity issues. “Don’t go to the YellowPages—it needs to be a word-of-mouth recommendation,” Dr. Gilda advises.
But since this isn’t exactly the sort of thing I’m sure one would feel comfortable bringing up at book club or poker night, here’s a good place to start: the American Psychological Association. You can do a localized search for psychologists from the organization’s website at www.apahelpcenter.org, but a better option might be to call their toll-free number at 1-800-964-2000 and ask for someone who specializes in bisexuality or sexual identity issues. I also came across another Web site, www.find-a-therapist.com, which lists professionals by zip code and also includes their specialties. You’ll need to have conversations with prospective therapists via phone or in person, ask lots of questions and make sure they’re properly licensed, though developing a good relationship is “more dependent on the rapport you have than on their degree,” Dr. Gilda says. (If you’d like to pursue therapy with the good doctor herself, you can also check out her Web site at www.drgilda.com.)
If this sounds like a lot of work, it is. There’s no “just” about an issue that might be “just psychological,” as you write (and as Dr. Gilda astutely points out). Finding the right therapist can be a time-consuming, daunting task, but it’s one you owe it to yourself to tackle. Forty-plus years is a long time to go without one of life’s most powerful experiences, and you deserve to know the real reason behind what’s keeping you from enjoying it. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.