Sunday, June 22, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Dirty Girl
She said she was losing love for me because depression made me not want to work or do things...
By Blane Bachelor
Q I need help please. The past year and a half, me and my girlfriend of 10 years have had to make some changes after an accident that happened to me three years ago. We have lost the spark, to be more intimate. I went through a lot of [therapy] and depression and my girlfriend stayed by my side all that time.
She said she was losing love for me because depression made me not want to work or do things. I went to a psychologist, and he helped me. I eventually got a job and started being more of a man, like I used to be. My girlfriend suffers from OCD, and we both made promises to fix things so we could be more in love again. Only after me making the appointment for her did she finally get help.
We were having a little break so she could focus on her OCD when I called her. She told me she’s unsure again. The words this time were, "I want to have sex with you and I do love you, but I don’t feel like having sex anymore, and I feel that is unfair [to] you, and you don’t deserve that," which makes her think we shouldn’t be together. Our psychologist has said she has to focus on OCD before she can focus on us, and she said it was up to me if I wanted to wait until she was better or give up on her.
I will always wait for her, like she did for me when I was at the lowest point of my life. I tell her I love her more than words can say and that I will always fight for our love. I was going to propose to her in 10 months on our 10th anniversary. I cannot bear to live if I lose her. I will never find someone like her again. I know she still loves me, but she is letting the fact that we don’t have sex as often as we used to get in the way of something much bigger than that.
I am a total mess. I can’t eat, sleep or think. I barely make it through work. Any advice or help would mean so much to me so I can pray there is still a chance to win her passion back. —Heartbroken
I’m really sorry to hear about your heartache. I’m even sorrier to tell you that it’s impossible to “win” someone’s passion back. You two have been through plenty—a debilitating accident, OCD, therapy, depression. The harsh reality is that some relationships simply do not last through such hardships.
You’ve done everything you can—and should—do to demonstrate your love and commitment. Now it’s time to take a step back and stop trying to influence what one never really has control of: another’s feelings.
Whether she’s being honest in saying this is about her OCD and disinterest in sex is hard to say, but what I can tell you for sure is that desperation is as appealing as a bowlful of lard with a hair in it. (Note to other readers: I had to cut half of this letter—including lots of “please help me” pleas—just to fit it.) So heed the following cease-and-desist orders: The first on continued proclamations of your undying devotion, and the second on delusions that an engagement ring is the magic fix. You’ll give reconciliation the best chance by giving her some space.
In the meantime, please help yourself by giving your own psychologist another call. Comments like “I can’t bear to live if I lose her” are a screaming red flag for a pro.
I have this friend of many years. Since I've known her, she has never expressed an interest in dating (men or women). She is in her late 20s, and has only mentioned dating guys in a previous life. She's got a heart of gold, but she doesn't take care of herself. Like, at all. Her teeth are horribly stained, her gums stop traffic, and her ears hang low and wobble to and fro. Don't even get me started on her hair, clothes or makeup (or lack thereof). What can I do to help? She has no friends. I just think if she began to take better care of herself (i.e., brushed her teeth on a daily basis), she might meet someone and live happily ever after (with the right dental insurance!). —She’s No Flossy McFlosserton
I’ve spent the better part of my day agonizing over how to answer your question, and an hour past my deadline, I’m still struggling. So here are the thoughts I’ve been wrestling with, in no particular order—hopefully you’ll find something that clicks.
1) Some people (Michael Moore and maybe your friend) are perfectly fine looking like a slob. 2) Often, the combination of poor hygiene, a slovenly appearance and lack of a love life are symptomatic of low self-esteem; sometimes, they indicate depression. 3) If she isn’t lamenting every five minutes about her wobbly earlobes or why she can’t get a date, maybe you shouldn’t be so worried about her appearance or her happily ever after. 4) Sometimes being a true friend means giving some tough love; sometimes it means letting one interpret her reflection in the mirror as she wants. 5) Women possess an uncanny ability to interpret a comment like “My dentist is stellar—I’d be happy to recommend him” as “You’re a disgusting cow with British teeth.” 6) Sometimes the best intentions have the worst outcomes. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.